grrrrrr.

Now I realize that emotions are heightened when you're sick and sleep-deprived, but that's not going to stop me.

I have never been one who minds being single. I believe that you'll never be happy when you're with someone if you're not happy being alone first. I would, however, like to graduate from this single state that I'm in someday, but I'm going to enjoy this phase of my life while it lasts. What a great opportunity to take advantage of this time to further education, get financially stable, travel, and just have as much fun as humanly possible. But like I've said and written time and time again... being single would be even better if you didn't have to date!! If you could take dating and feelings out of the equation, and just simply live and enjoy this single state until you magically met someone you love and want to marry, I'd say, "Where do I sign?!" It's pretty hard to enjoy this stage of life whole-heartedly when there are always feelings and thoughts of dating floating around in your head.

Over the past few  years as I've moved further and further from my college years, I have noticed a gradual, and then somewhat drastic decline in the number of dating opportunities I have. I used to think this was because I'm not encircled in the college social circuit anymore, or most of my best friends are married, or I'm just so busy with work and other things. But it's none of those reasons. There are still as many people in the world as there were a few years ago... probably more, I don't know for sure. I still go out into the world as often as I did years ago. But how is it that at this point in my life, where I could actually be a great girlfriend, I am more interesting, more confident, more intelligent than I was in college, yet I have so fewer dating opportunities? Anyone who thought they might want to date me all that time ago has no idea what they were missing out on, compared to where I am now in life. But that fact about growing up and evolving is just the problem. As singles grow up, come into their own, and become greater people, they alienate themselves in the dating scene. The older we get, the more "specialized" our dating becomes. 

I look back at past boyfriends I've had and boys I've dated. They cover a very broad spectrum of personalities, attractiveness, and intelligence. I used to like a boy if he liked me! If he was a mostly decent guy, and was willing to go out on a limb to show interest in me, I liked him back. HOW PATHETIC! I was the classic case of "Girl with lack of self esteem, wanting attention from any guy who would give it to her." How sad to think that I valued myself most when a boy was interested in me.

Well, fear no more. After many, many humbling experiences with rejection, one is really forced to sit back and think about dating patterns. I'm glad for dating experiences gone awry (well, not all of them if I'm being honest- but most.) But mostly I'm glad for life and growing up. I'm glad that I know who I am today. I don't like country music, I never have. But I'm not going to pretend like I do, or suffer through it to impress a guy like I have in the past. And conversely, I know what I want. No, I don't know what it looks like, sounds like, or acts like. But I know what it feels like.

Herein lies the problem today. I have been around the block a time or two or three or four... with dating. People don't believe me when I tell them I can tell on the first date whether or not things with a boy will go anywhere, but I can. I am a seasoned veteran, as are most singles my age. So why go out with every boy that asks me? So I can say that I'm always open-minded and trying. I still give chances to different types of boys, I just don't let them develop into full-blown relationships now that I know what I want and need. One or two dates will do the job of confirming what I already knew- It's not going to work out. 

As you can imagine, when I finally find a boy that I can feel like things would go well with, it's a rare and exciting find. But the frustrating part is that when you find them, they aren't ready to find you... or they found someone else... or they're just plain stupid! And it hurts really, really bad because you know in the deepest part of your heart that you're supposed to be with someone like that. And as you sit back to evaluate to make sure you're not just telling yourself what you want to hear, you're honest with yourself. More honest than you've ever been. And you just keep coming to the same conclusion: Nothing else makes more sense than being with that person. There are few other people in the world who know your soul like that person does. They understand your reasoning behind decisions in your life without you having to explain. They appreciate you for the attributes you value most. They think you're funny, even if you're not actually trying to be. They care, and you can feel it. They appreciate you more than any of the other people with whom you associate. But they just don't want to be with you. And you're finally mature enough to know that those two things don't always go hand in hand: loving someone and wanting to be with them. There are a million things that could effect this, but I have to just accept that I'll never understand why. It makes zero sense and it hurts worse than the time I crashed wake boarding and got a concussion, but it just is. There is power in accepting this fact.... and moving on. But it hurts, still. And every time you relive the experience, even with a better perspective, it hurts. And even though you have faith to know that this will all make sense someday, it hurts. 

And when you feel your eyes welling up with tears as you think about it- you give yourself a little slap across the face, tell yourself to stop feeling sorry, and decide that there are much bigger problems in life. Fortunately, the problem you're facing right now isn't the biggest problem in the world- not even close. So you walk yourself into your kitchen to get some food, and remind yourself that you've never had to worry where your next meal will come from. And on your way to the kitchen you pass your coat closet with a surplus of coats to keep you warm. You chat with a family member or two who loves you as you eat your food. You think of the things you need to do for work tomorrow and you remember how lucky you are to have a job, an income, and health insurance. Then you think about your faith and what you can do to strengthen it- and that's why you're going to be okay. Because come what may, you have your faith and no person can ever replace that blessing.