I'm not sure why dating was weighing on my mind while I was in Europe, but it was. Here's some food for thought on dating from my journal at that time. Any sharing of insight is greatly encouraged.
However, if you're related to me, and you're married, don't bother commenting. I already know what you're going to tell me!
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Sometimes I feel like all I do in dating is draw lines, one after another. Then I convince or remind myself of the purpose of those lines.
Sometimes I draw lines for myself:
"Megan, he's no into you (although, he probably should be.) You are just friends."
or
"Megan, he's not the type of guy you know you want to end up with— be strong and cut him loose."
Sometimes I draw general lines in conversations or by way of reputation. This was people will know what type of boys I do and don't date, and what I expect out of a relationship.
And more often than I'd like to, I draw lines for the boys that I have close, personal relationships with:
"We're just friends— nothing more."
"We're friends, but you take advantage of our friendship and lead me on. Stop it (jacka**)."
"I don't feel the same way for you that you do for me."
None of the scenarios are fun, and all are hurtful on both sides, believe it or not. The last scenario is the one that has the longest lingering effect. I have a tendancy to question my decision to draw that line, sometimes long after I draw it. I beat myself up reanalyzing the facts, trying to make sense of things. It should add up, but it just doesn't.... and I HATE this! I can't come up with even one good reason in some cases why it wouldn't work. It adds up beautifully on paper, like clockwork. BUT I just don't feel "it."
What is this "it" anyhow? What is "it" supposed to feel like?
Everyone tells me that, "You just know." Well I'd like to "just know" for crying out loud! Meanwhile, I'm paving a path of destruction while I wait to "just know." You'd think by age 26 I'd have something figured out, but I don't. It's as if I'm getting worse at dating and more confused about feelings.
Sometimes I feel like all I do in dating is draw lines, one after another. Then I convince or remind myself of the purpose of those lines.
Sometimes I draw lines for myself:
"Megan, he's no into you (although, he probably should be.) You are just friends."
or
"Megan, he's not the type of guy you know you want to end up with— be strong and cut him loose."
Sometimes I draw general lines in conversations or by way of reputation. This was people will know what type of boys I do and don't date, and what I expect out of a relationship.
And more often than I'd like to, I draw lines for the boys that I have close, personal relationships with:
"We're just friends— nothing more."
"We're friends, but you take advantage of our friendship and lead me on. Stop it (jacka**)."
"I don't feel the same way for you that you do for me."
None of the scenarios are fun, and all are hurtful on both sides, believe it or not. The last scenario is the one that has the longest lingering effect. I have a tendancy to question my decision to draw that line, sometimes long after I draw it. I beat myself up reanalyzing the facts, trying to make sense of things. It should add up, but it just doesn't.... and I HATE this! I can't come up with even one good reason in some cases why it wouldn't work. It adds up beautifully on paper, like clockwork. BUT I just don't feel "it."
What is this "it" anyhow? What is "it" supposed to feel like?
Everyone tells me that, "You just know." Well I'd like to "just know" for crying out loud! Meanwhile, I'm paving a path of destruction while I wait to "just know." You'd think by age 26 I'd have something figured out, but I don't. It's as if I'm getting worse at dating and more confused about feelings.
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That journal entry was almost a month old, and I still haven't solved the problems... can you believe it?
Doesn't reading my blog make you so grateful you're married (if you are)! And maybe a little less crazy if you're single?? That's what I'm here for. Don't mention it.
6 comments:
The mere fact that you excluded me from commenting makes me want to comment even more.
Nobody "just knows", that's a lie that married people make up to make them look smart or intune in front of their single friends. Most people get married by coincidence or sheer determination. It's more like getting to a point in the relationship when faith overcomes fear. Which is a lot more work than "just knowing."
I think we draw boundary lines because we hope it will make life less messy by keeping things sequestered; the friends vs the prospects vs the crushes.
The problem is that the lines we draw are genuinely arbitrary, and there's always this ongoing pressure to re-align and question who fits where. Which, in turn, makes life all messy again. Genuine catch-22.
I've never considered them lines, because lines can be erased and re-drawn whenever you want... Sometimes whenever someone else wants.
I see them more like boundaries. I just feel that boundaries are a little more permanent. It takes some serious work to break down the boundary and build it somewhere else.
I suppose it's really just a semantical difference, but doing this kind of thing is a protection mechanism either way. Either you're protecting yourself from taking a risk on someone you believe you don't want to end up with, or you're protecting yourself from being led on.
And looking backwards, we all do a little romanticizing and think, "now why did THAT end? it was a good relationship..." because there's nothing on the horizon on which to focus.
It's all completely normal. Sure, it's something we all need to work on a little (and sometimes a lot), but still normal behavior.
And I agree with Hollie. Although there are definite things we are all initially attracted to, it takes work to keep the smaller, non-important things get in the way of what we already find so attractive about them. It's hard work to just know.
I don't know a damn thing about dating but I just wanted to comment.
I'm glad we're in this un-married stage of life together. You're right, I do feel less crazy because I agree with everything you say! Maybe we're both crazy?
One day Megan... One day...
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