The Evolution

Post-Europe friendship was different than our friendship had ever been. T.M.I.G.T.M. and I spent more time on the phone 'til the wee hours than ever before. We were communicating more and more during the work day (don't turn me in). I began to feel as if my day wasn't complete unless I'd talked to T.M.I.G.T.M. Then there was my super fun birthday dinner with a big group of my friends. T.M.I.G.T.M. was out of town on a project for work and I was sad the whole time that he wasn't there. I went home and spent a couple hours chatting with him at the end of the night. We talked about the girl(s) he was dating. I was still genuinely interested. And we talked about the boy(s) I was dating. He was genuinely interested. But mostly we just talked about dating and how much easier it would be if the people we dated shared our views and opinions on dating. I remember getting off the phone and thinking to myself, "It's a shame T.M.I.G.T.M. and I could never work out."

A week or two later I realized that an event for which I had purchased tickets for months earlier, was the following weekend. T.M.I.G.T.M. helped me work up the courage to ask a boy to go with me... a boy that I didn't know well, but was a friendly acquaintance at church. I had thought the boy was a cutie for some time. I asked him to join me, but he informed me he was going to be out of town that weekend. I was almost relieved that the boy couldn't go. I approached T.M.I.G.T.M. after an Institute class and said (very smoothly, I'm sure), "Would you want to go with me? I really want to go with you. I should have asked you to begin with." At this point I was surprised by two things: the realization that I really only wanted to go with T.M.I.G.T.M., and the positive, excited response which he gave.

The day of the concert came and I was so excited. I made us some treats (yes, Muddy Buddies) and got ready to go. T.M.I.G.T.M. came to pick me up and we were off. We met my sister and her boys at the concert. We sat on the lawn and enjoyed a wonderful concert. I laughed so much that night. I was impressed as T.M.I.G.T.M. took my nephews at intermission to get them hot chocolate. It felt so natural and so fun that T.M.I.G.T.M. and I should be on a date. It didn't really hit me until the ride home when I was hit with the tireds quite like I've never experienced. I rested the long drive home while he took care of me and drove us home. I felt very content.

The next day, I still didn't think much of my feelings for T.M.I.G.T.M., but I knew that I wanted to see him. Just as I was thinking of him, he called my phone and made plans to go the fireworks with me that evening. He came by my house and I invited him to join my family (briefly) for some BBQ deliciousness. We left for the fireworks and met a large group of our friends. I laid our blanket out and struck up a conversation with some nearby friends. A few minutes later, I noticed that T.M.I.G.T.M. was not only gone, but seated by a cute girl (who I had been encouraging him to date). I felt weird. But I kept talking to avoid the feelings. Then the fireworks started and he came my way... just to get his jacket... then went back to sit by the cute girl. I wanted to cry and I didn't know why. I felt angry, sad, confused, all at the same time. Why did I care that my friend was sitting by a cute girl who I had been promoting to him? The fireworks ended and I gathered my things. T.M.I.G.T.M. came over to me to tell me how much fun he'd had sitting with the cute girl. My heart sank to the very bottom of my stomach. I was sure I was going to hurl. I immediately broke out in a nervous sweat. WHY DID I CARE? T.M.I.G.T.M. told me of the after party he was putting together, and I asked him if he minded taking me home first. I gave no explanation, just that I needed to go home. Then I immediately called my girl bff and freaked out!

The next week T.M.I.G.T.M. and his bff were gone for a few days hiking King's Peak. The morning he returned, he called me. He asked what I was doing that night, and I made up some options. I asked what he was doing. He replied with, "I'm going on a date." That response was followed by the longest awkward pause known to man. I took a second to gather my wits and remind myself that I was his friend. I then made a bold move. I asked him who his date was with, trying to sound as interested as I could. He replied, "With you."

The Friendship (Phase the Second)

The comfort of the casual friendship between T.M.I.G.T.M. and myself lasted for sometime. I always thought highly of him, but didn't think much more. Because we'd both had our many chances at dating, and our fate was sealed as friendship, or so I thought....

Sometime in 2007, T.M.I.G.T.M. and I started to spend more time together. We relied less on the group for our friendship and a little more on one another. We were friends— really, really good friends. Our chats started to be a little more revealing of our inner psyche, and my fondness for T.M.I.G.T.M. as an independent friend entity grew more and more. I began to go to him more with my boy problems and he came to me more with his girl problems. He earned himself the position of my go-to male friend whenever I needed a boy's perspective on any and everything. T.M.I.G.T.M. dated and had serious relationships with a girl or two during this phase. All the while, I was by his side as his friend. I knew I would get a phone call from him as soon as something of consequence happened in the relationships. I was happy to be there for him, because I genuinely cared for him. At this point, not once did I feel bad about not being an interest in his life. My role as his friend and confidant was satisfying as I made life-changing discoveries in my own life and changed career paths. I was thankful for the stability of his friendship during a time of change and upheaval in my life.

Last summer T.M.I.G.T.M. highly recommended that I date his bff and old college roommate, which I did. He was a great guy. He was similar to T.M.I.G.T.M. in so many ways that I automatically felt comfortable around him. In fact, it sometimes felt like I was dating a slightly altered form of T.M.I.G.T.M. We had a fun time dating. We went on double dates with T.M.I.G.T.M. and his girlfriend. It was really fun. I loved having my boyfriend and my best friend at the same time.

Months flew by, and trouble arose in paradise. I discovered that the bff and I weren't a permanent match. I couldn't ever put my finger on it, there was nothing wrong with this boy, but it was wasn't clicking in my head. All the while T.M.I.G.T.M. maintained his close friendship with me and my ex-boyfriend (his bff).

Even more months flew by, again, and I dated various boys, while T.M.I.G.T.M. dated the same girl. Sometime after that, T.M.I.G.T.M. broke up with the afore mentioned girl. I never did hear the details of the breakup because I was out of town, and I'm okay with that. All I know is that I came home from wherever I was and T.M.I.G.T.M. was ready to jump back into the single scene, and I was right by his side to support him. We continued on with the usual frienshipping, all the while, progressively spending more and more time together without even realizing it. Neither of us had intentions of dating one another at this point. We simply knew that dating sucked and we thoroughly enjoyed spending time together.

I specifically remember one night, last spring, in an Institute class when I sat next to T.M.I.G.T.M. I was having a handful of small boy troubles that were piling up to be super annoying. I passed a note to T.M.I.G.T.M. saying that I was going to take a leave of absence from my dating life while the dust settled. And he innocently wrote back, "What dating life?" I, of course, was offended as he hurried to explain that he wasn't aware of any dating activity going on in my life. I reassured him that there was plenty of dating going on, but that I just chose not to share. And then I pouted for a few hours.

About a month later, T.M.I.G.T.M. and his bff were planning a road trip to which I was explicitly not invited. However each of my best friends were. In a rage, I confronted T.M.I.G.T.M. in the hall after church and told him how absurd I thought it was that I wasn't invited on my ex-boyfriend's trip. And he proceeded to tell me that I was being a brat. From that moment, I began to notice T.M.I.G.T.M. in a slightly different light. He stood up to me. He called me on the carpet. None of my guy friends did that to me. I got away with being a brat all the time. But not with T.M.I.G.T.M.; he knew me. He knew that I was a brat and needed to be told that in order to understand the situation. Although I couldn't show it, I respected him more for standing up to me.

He went on the trip... kept on dating various girls. I went to Europe for a while... dated various boys. I received one email from T.M.I.G.T.M. while I was away in Europe... to inform me that he was dating a cute girl that knew me. Somewhere deep down inside of me, something began to simmer.... and I went on with my life.

I returned from Europe late on a Saturday evening. Because of the jet lag, I never slept that night and was up bright and early for church the next morning. I walked into the first meeting to find one empty seat next to T.M.I.G.T.M. I was greeted with a surprised look, a warm smile, and a big hug. I'll never forget that hug... though I didn't realize the significance of the hug at the time. Somewhere deep down, the flame began to grow just a little bigger.

And our friendship picked up right where it left off a month prior.

The Friendship (Phase the First)

My last installment of my love story, entitled, "The Meeting," recapped details about how the man I'm going to marry (T.M.I.G.T.M) and I met. Our story is, by no means, on its way to becoming the romance novel of the year. But it's our story and it's a good one. "The Meeting" ended with T.M.I.G.T.M asking me out a second time and being turned down (regretfully) because I was dating Butthead.

As the months went by and I continued to date Butthead, I didn't give much thought to T.M.I.G.T.M. I do know that I saw him every now and again at church and social functions. We small-talked here and there, nothing too memorable. I broke up with Butthead and was back in the single scene full-force. However, Butthead had taken a toll on my confidence and I was a bit skittish around boys. I actually started to become better friends with T.M.I.G.T.M.'s roommate and friend. Roommate and I enjoyed talking politics and opinions of higher ed policies. It was because of this friend that I actually started hanging out with T.M.I.G.T.M. A gal pal of mine would come along with myself and the two boys. The four of us hung out a number of times. We would go out to eat, sit around and chat, hit up parties, or play "The Game" (my made up trademark of a card game.)

As the group of us spent time together, I began to wonder if I had a crush on T.M.I.G.T.M. I wasn't too sure of myself at this time in my life. I wasn't sure if my interests were sincere, or if I was needy and emotional after the breakup. So I stuffed any thoughts of interest in T.M.I.G.T.M. into the back of my head. Plus T.M.I.G.T.M. seemed completely indifferent towards me. He was as nice to me as the next girl, but gave me no significant amount of attention or time. Over a number of months our friendship stayed neutral and somewhat removed. We called to notify one another of parties and other social events, but never to spend much time chatting or really getting to know each other. At one point in this phase, T.M.I.G.T.M. actually asked one of my good friends on a date. So I completely wrote him off.

It seemed as though I was content to be his not-too-close friend, and he was content to be mine. And we went on with our lives, dating various people, but not each other, always coming back to our friendship when the so-called relationships ended.

Everything I Need to Know About Dating I Learned from Bill Murray

"There are two types of people in this world: those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don't. My ex-wife loved him."

- Bill Murray as Bob Wiley

What About Bob?

"There are two types of single women in this world: those who chase, and those who are chased. Not to be confused with chaste."

- Megan [last name] as Megan [same last name]

Real Life

As I talk to single friends and reflect on my single life (all of a few weeks ago), I gather more and more evidence to support my theory on the two types of women.

I know, I know... I should stop giving my two cents about dating and move on to opinions on curtains and organizing closets. What can I say? Old habits die hard. Here's the thing, boys are attuned to telling the difference between these types of girls. They can see right through you! No amount of fake confidence can cover the fact that you are chasing a boy.

I hate to sound all June Cleaver, but by nature, men are hunters. Girls, let them hunt you. And by hunt, I mean call, date, love. Let the boy ask for your number, let HIM ask YOU out, let him follow up after the first date, let him kiss you, let him call and make future plans— Let him get the ball rolling. [There are a few exceptions to these guidelines... very few.] By taking on his role, you are emasculating him and you have become the easy kill. You are no prize to be won or fought for. There is no sense of pride and accomplishment in dating you. You are easy and disposable. He will date you until something better comes along and you will be crushed. And you won't get it. And you'll tell everyone what a jerk he is. But you, yes you, caused this problem by deciding to go against the laws of nature. It's okay to show interest in a boy. By all means, go talk to him at a party, at church, at the grocery store. Toss your hair, flirt with him... if he's shy, throw him a bone and give him your number (if you must.) But then walk away. Think of him no more. IF he's interested he will act. If he's not interested, he won't. And no amount of texts, social invitations, or touching his arm will change his mind. He either likes you or he doesn't. If he doesn't, swallow the difficult pill and move on to the next...

... the next one who will chase you! Be yourself. Be charming. Be attractive. Above all, be confident. There is not a darn thing wrong with you. Don't let that last boy take the wind out of your sails. There are a million factors involved in determining chemistry. It could have been something as simple as the fact that your perfume triggered bad memories of an mean, old neighbor in his subconscious memory. YOU are not the problem. It was just bad luck, and life. Pick a new interest. Be honest with yourself and try to pick one that is similar to you or one that is already noticing you. If nothing else, have interest in him simply for the sake of having interest in someone. The very worst thing that could happen would be that you might date him and find out you like him, or you date him and find out you don't. Show interest in the boy. Be intriguing. Be smart, funny, and HAPPY around him so that each time you walk away from a conversation with him he is left thinking, "What is it about her? I can't wait to talk to her again." Nobody likes a Debbie Downer... not the clerk at the grocery store, not your co-workers, and certainly not the boy you have interest in. If you're not happy or confident, fake it until you make it. You will be single as long as you are unhappy and lack confidence. When you gain that confidence and slap that smile on your face, he will chase you. And so will others. There is nothing more attractive to a boy than a woman with confidence. Ask yourself this question: If you were a boy, would you want to date you? Would you have fun on a date with you? When you can answer yes to both of those questions, you will be chased, and not the chaser.

Until next time...

The Meeting

Many people ask you how you met your fiancé once they hear you're engaged. I'm not sure if it's something they really care to know, or just one of those things you ask as as a formality. At any rate, here's the story... according to me:

It was a dark, cold, stormy night... Okay, that's not completely true. But it very well could have been because it was December, almost 4 years ago in 2005. I had graduated from WSU the spring prior and was almost half way through my first year of teaching 3rd grade. One weekend night in earlyish December, a couple gal pals and I decided to go to a holiday party to meet some cute, new single faces of the new singles ward of which we were attending. I was 22, in over my head at work, and not loving the idea of introducing myself into yet another "meat market" to be on display as one of the "new girls" in the ward. As soon as we arrived at the party, I found a nice spot of carpet where I could sit and be anti-social. A few boys who I had previously met stopped by my corner to say hello. I very nicely blew them off and continued to groom my section of the carpet with my hands.

Eventually, two nice-looking, friendly young men came over to join me on the carpet. It was obvious that they were good friends, and that they weren't going to just say hi and let me blow them off. They were a welcomed change of pace. One of the boys faded out of the conversation, and the boy who would eventually be my fiancé stuck around on the carpet for a good amount of silly, pointless, fun conversation. I don't remember much of the conversation other than the fact that he made me guess his last name, which I thought was ridiculous and hilarious, all at the same time. I left the party having met some nice people and didn't think any more about any of the encounters from that night.

A week or two later, I got a phone call from the boy who made me guess his last name. He confessed that he had asked my friend for my number and proceeded to ask me out on a date. I don't remember why or for what reason... but I was "busy" the night for which he requested my company. A month or two went by. I would see this boy at church, say hello and have some small talk here and there. One day after church, this same boy approached me and asked for my number, after he admitted he deleted it after the first attempt. This time I declined him again... because I was dating someone (who turned out to be a total butt head, by the way.) I remember feeling disappointed. It was a "gut" feeling. I was really surprised at how disappointed I was to not be able to go out with him— especially because I was dating a "great" guy and this boy wasn't a boy that I would have consciously picked out at that time in my life. I can still remember, today, that sick, disappointed feeling... and then blowing it off.

And over the course of the next almost 4 years, this boy and I became great friends. He wrote me off as a possibility and I figured I'd blown my chances with him. This allowed us to get to know each other without any pretenses about dating. And what a great blessing that has been to our relationship... to really know each other at our best and at our worst, before we ever started dating.

This concludes my version of "The Meeting." Please stay tuned for future installments of the story of how two friends fell in love.

Why I'm so glad I'm not longer meeting men...

And just in case you're thinking, "This can't be real." It more certainly is. Ask any single woman, and she can tell you a similar story... or two... or three....

Thanks, Janis, for passing this along.

Something New to Blog About...

For the past couple of years, I have been blogging about a lot of things: vacations, family, work, memories, but mostly dating. This blog has served as an outlet for each and every dating frustration of mine and of others. Let me take a moment to thank those who have endured my many dating-centered posts and especially those who left comments of empathy. And I do mean empathy. Dating is really difficult, and I think it's supposed to be that way. As my dad has always reminded me, nothing worth doing is easy. And to this phrase, dating has stayed true. But every once-on-a-while something good happens in dating to remind you why you're doing it in the first place. It isn't because you don't know anything different, it's because you want to find someone you love who loves you back. And that's not an unworthy goal— it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's easy to get lost in the dark abyss of first dates, dead-end relationships, and awkward break-ups and to forget to enjoy dating and to enjoy the search for someone to love.

[cue "Somebody to Love" by Queen]

I claim to be no expert on dating. I developed a talent of flying by the seat of my pants in dating over the years. Worked for me, but not the best option for everyone. However, I am please to announce that in addition to dating, I will now have a new topic of which to blog.... MARRIAGE! I'm engaged and I couldn't be happier about it. I will have all sorts of new adventures to post and new stories to tell.... and new insights on relationships. And for those of you who fear losing the enjoyment of my single life stories, never fear. I have kept years of journals and notes for just this purpose, entertaining you.

I have intentions of posting more details about the exciting news, but I can hardly keep my eyes open. So, stay tuned for juicy details of how two best friends fell in love (but not too mushy, 'cuz I'm just not that girl).

Don't Try This at Home... Actually, Do..

I don't have a lot of time to write. But I just wanted to leave a bit of dating advice on my blog... because it's been far too long since I've done so. And I'm sure you're all lost and hopeless without it, eh.

My advice for you today would be this:

1) If you have a best friend of the opposite gender, try dating them. Because it happens to be lots and lots of fun... or so I've heard. If you already know you like being around them, you have things in common, you know how to communicate (otherwise you wouldn't be friends), you are attracted to them to some degree (otherwise you wouldn't be friends), and you're both single (otherwise you wouldn't be best friends), then you should totally date. Just give it a whirl. What have you got to lose? If you're worried about ruining the friendship, don't. You have to know that someday you won't be able to be close friends with them when/if you marry someone else.... so.... yeah, either way there's a risk of losing the friendship. Plus, chances are, if he's sticking around as your friend for a long time, he's probably into you (to some degree). Trust me. (wink, wink)

But PLEASE don't say anything to him about your plan to date him. This has been proven to fail. Also, pray that he doesn't do the same. Let it happen naturally, but help it along. Start doing little things to shift the direction in which your friend*ship* is headed. Spend more time, be more sincere, more open, and more attractive, if you can help it.

Who knows what will happen...

2) It is now widely acceptable in the grammar community to begin sentences with conjunctions. So that's my second piece of advice. Begin some sentences with conjunctions and enjoy the freedom of knowing it's okay. Go on now, give it a whirl. You can thank me later.

Smart Boys, Dumb Decisions

Prepare yourself for my unfiltered, uninhibited, tell-it-like-it-is-ness.

Question: Why do smart boys like dumb girls? 

Answer: Because they're hot

Conclusion: Maybe the smart boys aren't as smart as we thought they were after all.

I wrote a post along these same lines some time before [Lest we forget, Miss South Carolina.] I just seem to see the pattern more and more with people I know as time goes by. It's almost as if boys get dumber and dumber. I love you boys to pieces. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that I would not be here today to write this if it weren't for your gender. But, please, I beg of you, give me some reason to believe that less than 90% of you are complete idiots. If I have to be your go-to gal friend on dating issues, please make the issues something like, "She's smarter than me," "She's read books I've never read before," "She knows how to conjugate verbs like it's nobody's business!" or "She has more useful talent in one finger than I do in my whole being." Because you should feel like this about the girls you date, even if it's not the absolute truth... you should at least think they're wonderfully talented and intelligent. We all know the truth about dating is that the more you get to know someone and the more comfortable you get around them, the more they start to become a real, normal, flawed person. Why then wouldn't you want to start with a girl that's well above your standards? That way, when she starts to come down, she can't go too far down... at least she'll be within reaching distance of the bar you've set.  

Looks are fleeting. Everyone looks horrible in the mornings or while puking up their dinner. Personalities are reliable and redeeming. Brains are intriguing. Hopefully you plan to do more than stare at the person you eventually end up with.

You date to find someone to marry. You marry the type of people you date. Choose your dates wisely, please. And if you don't, I don't want to hear about it.

Thank you and goodnight. 

Take it from these guys...

Dating would be a lot less bothersome if the time I spent with boys I date was more like time I spend with my nephews. Dates are hit and miss; nephews are always fun and ALWAYS make me feel good. In an effort to help the many helpless boys in the world (bless their hearts), I have compiled a list of things I love about spending time with my nephews. When taken to heart and applied to dating, these tips can be oober helpful and improve success rates in dating— I golden guarantee it! 

Go ahead, give it a whirl.

1. Laugh at the lame jokes I tell

2. Sing along to songs I make up about you

3. Talk about how much you miss your mom when you're out with me

4. Believe everything I tell you

5. Get so excited about going out with me that you can't finish your dinner

6. Let me choose what music we listen to

7. Make fake siren noises and tell me that I'm being pulled over

8. Fight with another person at the movie theater about getting to sit right next to me (or on my lap)

9. Hold my hand tight during scary parts of the movie

10. Laugh ridiculously hard at really, really lame parts of the movie

11. Get really excited about something you saw in the movie and talk on and on and on about how you're going to make it happen in real life

12. Tell me that I look boo-tiful, even when I probably look like a boy

13. Sing "You Are My Sunshine" with me while we're grocery shopping

14. Push the buttons for me on the credit card machine at the check out

15. Offer to share your mushy, sticky banana with me and look sad when I don't want a bite

16. Believe that your dad really could fly to the moon if he wanted to

17. Ask me to verify anything that you're not sure about

18. Let me play with your toys

19. Make me cards and pictures out of colored glue, glitter, etc.

20. Get sad and cry at the end of the night when the date has to end

I love your brain

Sunday night my family was holding the weekly "Megan Dating Intervention" meeting (which I try to avoid at all costs). Norm had advised me to do something silly like "just plant one" on a boy. I told him that I didn't need to kiss a boy to get him to fall in love with me, because someday someone is going to fall in love with me because of my brain.

Norm laughed really hard.

The rest of my family laughed.

I'm laughing a little bit as I write this post. 

Oh, Norm....

Drawing Lines

From the Mixed-Up European files of Megan
I'm not sure why dating was weighing on my mind while I was in Europe, but it was. Here's some food for thought on dating from my journal at that time. Any sharing of insight is greatly encouraged. 

However, if you're related to me, and you're married, don't bother commenting. I already know what you're going to tell me!

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Sometimes I feel like all I do in dating is draw lines, one after another. Then I convince or remind myself of the purpose of those lines.

Sometimes I draw lines for myself:
"Megan, he's no into you (although, he probably should be.) You are just friends."
or
"Megan, he's not the type of guy you know you want to end up with— be strong and cut him loose."

Sometimes I draw general lines in conversations or by way of reputation. This was people will know what type of boys I do and don't date, and what I expect out of a relationship.

And more often than I'd like to, I draw lines for the boys that I have close, personal relationships with:
"We're just friends— nothing more."
"We're friends, but you take advantage of our friendship and lead me on. Stop it (jacka**)."
"I don't feel the same way for you that you do for me."

None of the scenarios are fun, and all are hurtful on both sides, believe it or not. The last scenario is the one that has the longest lingering effect. I have a tendancy to question my decision to draw that line, sometimes long after I draw it. I beat myself up reanalyzing the facts, trying to make sense of things. It should add up, but it just doesn't.... and I HATE this! I can't come up with even one good reason in some cases why it wouldn't work. It adds up beautifully on paper, like clockwork. BUT I just don't feel "it."

What is this "it" anyhow? What is "it" supposed to feel like?

Everyone tells me that, "You just know." Well I'd like to "just know" for crying out loud! Meanwhile, I'm paving a path of destruction while I wait to "just know." You'd think by age 26 I'd have something figured out, but I don't. It's as if I'm getting worse at dating and more confused about feelings.

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That journal entry was almost a month old, and I still haven't solved the problems... can you believe it?

Doesn't reading my blog make you so grateful you're married (if you are)! And maybe a little less crazy if you're single?? That's what I'm here for. Don't mention it.

Terms of Use Agreement

I have often thought that I should give a terms of use agreement to boys that I date before things get very serious. This way they know all about my crazy female characteristics of which I can do nothing about. They will know what they are getting themselves into. Then, if at any point in the relationship I frustrate, confuse, annoy, or hurt them, I will just wave the terms of use agreement in their face... as a subtle reminder of the fact that they knew what they were getting themselves into before the show began. It would probably go something like this:

I, the undersigned, do hereby agree to relinquish any and all decision-making capabilities to Megan, the girl I choose to date. By doing so, I understand that Megan will be making any crucial decisions, as determined to be crucial by her, throughout the course of our courtship. I recognize that dating a girl who is moderately attractive, smart, and funny is a rare find. I will make every effort possible to assure her that I am giving this relationship my very best efforts. Anything short of my best efforts will result in in termination of said relationship. I do understand that Megan, though typically super awesome and delightful to date, will sometimes have a momentary lapse of rational thought— she is, after all, female. I will not judge, think less of Megan for, or complain of any of the following actions:

Sitting with her arms tightly folded at the movie theater after I comment on the attractiveness of the lead actress
Not returning my phone calls or other attempts at communication for nearly a week to prove a point
Listening to what I'm saying and then later pretending not to remember what I said because I didn't say what she wanted to hear
Getting her feelings hurt and waiting months to tell me after a completely unrelated event or discussion
Saying that she doesn't expect me to plan anything for her birthday and then being sad and disappointed when I don't
Being mad when I don't pick up on all the hints she has given
Faking sick so she doesn't have to hang out with my family, again

I understand that the above list is not conclusive and may be added to at anytime according to the desire of the author. I also understand that I am one lucky sucker.


Signed, ____________________________

grrrrrr.

Now I realize that emotions are heightened when you're sick and sleep-deprived, but that's not going to stop me.

I have never been one who minds being single. I believe that you'll never be happy when you're with someone if you're not happy being alone first. I would, however, like to graduate from this single state that I'm in someday, but I'm going to enjoy this phase of my life while it lasts. What a great opportunity to take advantage of this time to further education, get financially stable, travel, and just have as much fun as humanly possible. But like I've said and written time and time again... being single would be even better if you didn't have to date!! If you could take dating and feelings out of the equation, and just simply live and enjoy this single state until you magically met someone you love and want to marry, I'd say, "Where do I sign?!" It's pretty hard to enjoy this stage of life whole-heartedly when there are always feelings and thoughts of dating floating around in your head.

Over the past few  years as I've moved further and further from my college years, I have noticed a gradual, and then somewhat drastic decline in the number of dating opportunities I have. I used to think this was because I'm not encircled in the college social circuit anymore, or most of my best friends are married, or I'm just so busy with work and other things. But it's none of those reasons. There are still as many people in the world as there were a few years ago... probably more, I don't know for sure. I still go out into the world as often as I did years ago. But how is it that at this point in my life, where I could actually be a great girlfriend, I am more interesting, more confident, more intelligent than I was in college, yet I have so fewer dating opportunities? Anyone who thought they might want to date me all that time ago has no idea what they were missing out on, compared to where I am now in life. But that fact about growing up and evolving is just the problem. As singles grow up, come into their own, and become greater people, they alienate themselves in the dating scene. The older we get, the more "specialized" our dating becomes. 

I look back at past boyfriends I've had and boys I've dated. They cover a very broad spectrum of personalities, attractiveness, and intelligence. I used to like a boy if he liked me! If he was a mostly decent guy, and was willing to go out on a limb to show interest in me, I liked him back. HOW PATHETIC! I was the classic case of "Girl with lack of self esteem, wanting attention from any guy who would give it to her." How sad to think that I valued myself most when a boy was interested in me.

Well, fear no more. After many, many humbling experiences with rejection, one is really forced to sit back and think about dating patterns. I'm glad for dating experiences gone awry (well, not all of them if I'm being honest- but most.) But mostly I'm glad for life and growing up. I'm glad that I know who I am today. I don't like country music, I never have. But I'm not going to pretend like I do, or suffer through it to impress a guy like I have in the past. And conversely, I know what I want. No, I don't know what it looks like, sounds like, or acts like. But I know what it feels like.

Herein lies the problem today. I have been around the block a time or two or three or four... with dating. People don't believe me when I tell them I can tell on the first date whether or not things with a boy will go anywhere, but I can. I am a seasoned veteran, as are most singles my age. So why go out with every boy that asks me? So I can say that I'm always open-minded and trying. I still give chances to different types of boys, I just don't let them develop into full-blown relationships now that I know what I want and need. One or two dates will do the job of confirming what I already knew- It's not going to work out. 

As you can imagine, when I finally find a boy that I can feel like things would go well with, it's a rare and exciting find. But the frustrating part is that when you find them, they aren't ready to find you... or they found someone else... or they're just plain stupid! And it hurts really, really bad because you know in the deepest part of your heart that you're supposed to be with someone like that. And as you sit back to evaluate to make sure you're not just telling yourself what you want to hear, you're honest with yourself. More honest than you've ever been. And you just keep coming to the same conclusion: Nothing else makes more sense than being with that person. There are few other people in the world who know your soul like that person does. They understand your reasoning behind decisions in your life without you having to explain. They appreciate you for the attributes you value most. They think you're funny, even if you're not actually trying to be. They care, and you can feel it. They appreciate you more than any of the other people with whom you associate. But they just don't want to be with you. And you're finally mature enough to know that those two things don't always go hand in hand: loving someone and wanting to be with them. There are a million things that could effect this, but I have to just accept that I'll never understand why. It makes zero sense and it hurts worse than the time I crashed wake boarding and got a concussion, but it just is. There is power in accepting this fact.... and moving on. But it hurts, still. And every time you relive the experience, even with a better perspective, it hurts. And even though you have faith to know that this will all make sense someday, it hurts. 

And when you feel your eyes welling up with tears as you think about it- you give yourself a little slap across the face, tell yourself to stop feeling sorry, and decide that there are much bigger problems in life. Fortunately, the problem you're facing right now isn't the biggest problem in the world- not even close. So you walk yourself into your kitchen to get some food, and remind yourself that you've never had to worry where your next meal will come from. And on your way to the kitchen you pass your coat closet with a surplus of coats to keep you warm. You chat with a family member or two who loves you as you eat your food. You think of the things you need to do for work tomorrow and you remember how lucky you are to have a job, an income, and health insurance. Then you think about your faith and what you can do to strengthen it- and that's why you're going to be okay. Because come what may, you have your faith and no person can ever replace that blessing.

Dating Advice from the Non-Expert Dater

I often wonder why anyone would come to me for dating advice. Hello, I'm single and I've been that way for some time. I wonder why these friends don't go to married people, they're the ones who have mastered the art of dating. But then I remember the strange phenomenon of dating memory loss that married people experience not long after they've been married. I think they must be so happy they've finally found someone they love and can stand to spend their time with, that they block all of the horribly painful dating memories from their mind. I can't say I blame them. So that must be why single people don't often go to married friends for advice. That said, I'm still not the best option of someone to talk to. I subscribe to the "prepare for the worst and hope for the best" school of thought in dating. This means that I tell my friends worst-case scenario when they come to me with their dating woes. I also call this "telling it like it is," because more often than not, the worst case is what comes to pass in dating. Otherwise you wouldn't be dating- you'd be married. 

So here is some of the dating advice that I have given recently and some of the advice I give most frequently (both to myself and others.)

• If he's not asking you on dates, he's not interested in being more than friends. 
  
• If you're interested in him, and he's not asking you out, don't let him waste anymore of your time. We all need friends—so choose friends you're not having a one-sided crush on.
  
• She can't really be "busy" every time you try to take her out. She's avoiding going out with you.
  
• Actions speak louder than words. If she's keeps saying yes to going out with you, but acts distant, disinterested, or hard to read, she likes dates and not you.
• Someone who is really interested in you doesn't forget to call you or text you back. They will also initiate communication, not just respond to yours.
• Someone who is interested in you can always make time for you, no matter how busy they are.
• It's okay to give indicators that you're interested. Help the boy out. Bait the hook and walk away—let him do the initial legwork.
  
• Stop dating girls who don't have brains. I'm sick of hearing you complain. 
  
• Just ask her out. I don't care how scared you are or what other extraneous factors get in the way. Just ask her out, see how she reacts, and then you won't have to wonder.
  
• Date the type of people you want to marry. If you keep dating people who are emotional wrecks, you're going to end up marrying one.
  
• Make a personal connection with someone you're interested in during a conversation. Do more than laugh and joke with them. Everyone wants to feel like they can open up to people they're dating.
  
• Maybe don't ask girls out that you meet at your high school sister's ball games. Chances are they're in high school.
  
• Just do it—grow up and date. There are no excuses.
  

It's not always what we want to hear, but sometimes it's what we need to hear. Emotions can really get in the way of rational thinking (see previous post).

Argument #1 for the Insanity of Females

What is it about emotions that make you turn into goo when your brain and your heart decide to work together to create a crush on someone? I consider myself a sane person, generally. I am a sane person who has plenty to say and usually has no problem expressing exactly what is on my mind. That is, until I have a crush on a boy. My IQ drops at least 30 points as soon as I make eye contact with a boy I have a crush on. And instead of being my usual self who says just what I'm thinking, I begin double, triple, and quadruple guessing everything I want to say. Words are mulled around so many times in my head before they actually come out that they sound robotic and void of any flavor by the time I'm finally able to spit a coherent sentence at him. Poor fella is just getting gobs and gobs of abrupt, disconnected, meaningless sentences spewed into his face and there is nothing he can do about it! Part of me wants to tell him to run. Run far away and save yourself from exposure to my lack of intellect. But mostly, run before I have a chance to ruin any any positive conceptions you may have of me.

Not only do I have a ridiculously difficult time carrying a conversation with the boy, but my tongue swells... seriously. Yes, just like Buddy the elf!! I feel my cheeks turn red, my speech slurs because of the swollen tongue phenomenon, my eyes are shifty and dart from one corner of the room to the other, and I can never seem to find a comfortable place to put my hands. I have never felt/ looked so awkward with my hands on my hips as when I'm talking to a crush. So, for some reason I end up with my arms folded so tight I begin to lose circulation. But this prevents me from going for that itch on the inside of my nose or fidgeting with the zipper on my hoodie while I talk to the crush. 

The things that I say are not only clumsy, but they lack any humor, intonation, and consideration for his responses. I just want to get the words out, throw them out there so that my mind feels like I'm having a conversation with the crush... and that equates to crush productivity, in my mind.

If talking and acting like an idiot isn't enough, I start to have irrational thoughts and feelings. I exaggerate the situation in my mind a hundred fold. It might be a boy that I met just recently and have interacted with only few times. But each time he talks to me, you'd better believe that we are getting together, having a relationship, and sometimes breaking up in my head. It's at moments like these that I am reassured of the presence of female emotions that I'm often afraid I lack. I am normal- for a girl. I call up my single bff after each interaction with the crush and relate the insignificant interaction in such great detail that one would think he and I had spent the entire day together, when it was really a five-minute conversation. And during the course of my conversation with my friend I have expressed concern for him not liking me, me not liking him, what type of boyfriend he may or may not be, and what it will be like when we raise children together. 

A good friend listens and doesn't try to rationalize with you when you're like this, because you CAN'T be rationalized with. In a state like this, your mind has been void of all rationale capabilities for the past 24+ hours. Your friend waits it out and tries her best not to say anything at all, for fear that you might take her advice a little too literally and do something drastic and potentially embarrassing. Plus she remembers a time, not long ago, when she heard herself saying some of the same things you're saying about a boy she hardly knew that she ultimately knew she wouldn't end up with. 

The patterns described above repeat themselves over the following days and weeks until something snaps and sanity kicks in. I never know just what it takes for this to happen, but it does... thank heavens! And I am left to look back over my irrational trail of destruction. And then I just want to crawl in a hole and die, or at least sleep for a very, very long period of time. Just long enough for everyone to forget any interaction they had with me during my course of craziness. 

And then, just a few months later, it starts all over again... just when you were starting to fix the damage caused from the previous wake of irrational destruction.

Sometimes being a girl just sucks.

Taken

About 3 weeks ago, I went with a few of my friends to see the movie "Taken." It is an action/thriller movie that I wouldn't recommend to anyone who has feelings. Just to give credit where credit is due...  the movie has a well-developed plot, good actors, and kept me on the edge of my seat. But it scared me to death! I lied awake in my bed until 4 am after returning from the movie! 4 am, I tell you! It probably didn't help that my super sensitive guy friends kept emphasizing how worried I should be about have a similar experience in Europe. Bless their hearts...

All this to say, that what I'm about to write has nothing to do with this movie. It just happened to be a coincidence that the title of the movie and the title of my post are the same. See the movie, or don't— I really don't care.

However, I do car about THIS:

This guy— taken. 

It is not fair that a boy this cute, this talented, this nice it THIS TAKEN. But for what it's worth, my dad told me I'm cuter than his wife. Nothing like a completely unbiased opinion to make you feel better. I ask you America, is it fair that we let this boy win when he's taken? How many 14-year-old girls will go crush-less if the next American Idol is a married man? We can't let this happen! David Archeleta is so Season 7. Not to mention, WAY too young for me to have had a crush on last year. And so, I ask for you help in my venture to get a legally crush-able American Idol. It's been too long, and together... we CAN do this!

Since I honor the bonds of marriage and all that, I present to you my Plan B: 

I know, my last post gave the impression that being a Plan B was a bad thing. But that doesn't apply to Hollywood scenarios. Plus, I figure since I'll never actually meet Anoop and have to tell him to his face that he was my Plan B celebrity crush, he won't feel too bad. Win-win.

But now you have an idea of what I'm looking for. You can see that I'm not too picky. I'm simply looking for someone with star potential, someone who I can admire from afar by way of Fox broadcasting. But hey, if I happen to meet a boy this endearing in real life... even better!

Airing of Grievances

[and not in the Sienfeld way]

Not to complain... BUT....

I have to say, that the older I get, and the more dating I do, the more I'm convinced that 90% of the male population are complete idiots! I have been conducting a study since I was 16, and I have the data to prove it.. in the form of journal entries, blog posts, and recurring conversations (which seem to be entertaining to everyone but me)! No, but really. Not a day goes by that I am not surprised at the idiocy of some male(s) in my life. Not pleasantly surprised, but shocked and appalled-surprised. I often find myself using the following phrase from one of my most beloved movies, "Just when I think you couldn't possibly do anything dumber, you go and do something like this..." Of course, I can't use the last part of that quote, "... and totally redeem yourself!"— because, sadly, it never applies to real life. 

Yes, cute, good, fun, smart boy— you should totally marry that girl with no heart, who makes small children cry with a single glance, who can't keep friends, who has big hair (should I go on?), instead of my nice, warm, friendly, beautiful friend. I hope you enjoy a very miserable life being slave to your wife who can't carry a conversation in a bucket. Makes sense, right? Wrong!

Oh, and yes guy friend— you should totally date girls with issues GALORE because their good looks and dynamite wardrobes make up for the fact that they lack confidence, goals, motivation, and brains. I sincerely hope you enjoy talking about "Twilight" and how she shouldn't have gorged on that half cup of broccoli for dinner. What stimulating conversation that must make.

And, finally (thank heavens)... Yes, boy I have a crush on— you should definitely call me "friend" as often as you can. I love the resonating ring of that word in my ears. And you should probably continue to talk to me about other girls, while flirting with me and consuming all of my precious time. That's what every girls wants— to be somebody's Plan B. 

[SIGH]

Turns out I should be banned from blogging when I'm sleep deprived and over-worked. But there you have it. Raw, unfiltered, unedited thoughts from yours truly.

Go hug your spouse. And then write them a "Thank You" letter for taking you out of your dating misery. And if they happen to be in the 10% of males who aren't idiots, give them my congratulations! They are fighting a losing battle.

[I promise to make my next post a more positive one. Probably.]

Conversations with Norm

Last night some friends of mine were hosting a dessert party. I reluctantly decided that I'd better stop by for at least an hour, so I could claim that I was social this week. I was headed out the door of my parents' house and I called, "See ya. I'm going to get myself a boyfriend." To my surprise, Norm replied, "Yeah right." I stopped dead in my tracks, turned to him and exclaimed, "Excuse me!" He must have felt the need to clarify because his closing statement was, "You're too picky." [Door slams]

The End

Afterword: Incidentally, I did not get myself a boyfriend at the party. There are good reasons, however. Unfortunately, I am too tired to justify the circumstances.

Someday My Prince Will... Grow?

Being the only single sibling on Valentine's Day has its advantages. For the past few years, my sister in Nevada has sent me prize each Valentine's Day with a note to let me know that she's thinking of me. This year she went all out and sent me a Valentine's Day survival package.

The card said, "Someday Your Prince Will Come."

I told my nephews that my boyfriend came in the mail. Yes, I lied to them. But they played along with it, so I figure it's okay. Apparently they haven't seen any real prospects for a new uncle coming around lately, because they really took to the idea of this mail-order boyfriend. 

It was a frog that I had to kiss and then soak in water to watch him turn into a prince.

And over the course of 72 hours he would grow.

Even Miss A got in on the excitement.

The irony of the whole situation is that is was supposed to be simple; 

a JUST ADD WATER BOYFRIEND.

The instructions said that within minutes, the frog should start to transform into a prince. After about 10 minutes of waiting, a loving family member joked 

that I probably didn't read the instructions correctly, just like my real dating life. 

Well, it's true. I missed a step (just like in my real dating life- or at least it feels that way.) 

Once I figured out what I was doing wrong, the frog began to turn into a prince.

And over the course of the next 72 hours, he reached the height of four inches. 

Which is also ironic because that's the average height of the boys I date. 

Wow! There are so many parallels I could draw from this experiment. 

But I won't because they'll all be of a mocking, sarcastic nature. 

And as the boys tell me, if I weren't so sarcastic, they would ask me out. :)

I would post a picture of the final product, but my story isn't finished yet. 

I have yet to find the frog that I think is a prince. 

As soon as I do, I will post a picture of the actual frog-turned-prince. 

But don't hold your breath... 

who knows if blogging will still be the trend by the time this happens.